How to help men, who objectify women

Often, when people come to counselling—especially at first—the issue they bring can feel straightforward, even obvious. But as the sessions unfold, what initially seemed like the main concern often reveals deeper layers. This is something I frequently witness in my practice as an integrative counsellor in North Dorset. A person might arrive with a vague sense of unease or restlessness, unsure of what’s wrong, only to discover a whole network of underlying patterns, habits, and beliefs that have quietly shaped their lives for years.

One such pattern that sometimes surfaces is the habit of mentally evaluating others—especially women—based on their physical appearance. It might seem like a passing thought, even a private game. For some, it’s something they’ve done for as long as they can remember: sitting on a train, in a meeting, at a café, silently rating or comparing women on a scale, often without realising how embedded the habit has become. There may be no intention to act on it, no overt harm meant—just a distraction, a way to pass time, a form of mental entertainment during moments of boredom or disconnection.

But in the reflective space of therapy, this habit can start to feel different. People begin to ask: Why do I do this? What am I really seeking? And perhaps most powerfully: Is this who I want to be?

Sometimes it’s a comment from a friend or a growing discomfort that prompts the shift. What once felt harmless starts to feel out of alignment with one’s deeper values. For instance, the realisation may dawn that some of the women being objectified are the same age as a friend’s daughter, or that reducing someone to a number on a scale no longer fits with the kind of respect and connection the client wants to cultivate in life.

These moments of discomfort can be deeply important—not as reasons for shame, but as invitations for growth.

As an integrative counsellor working in North Dorset, I offer a space where such realisations can be explored gently and honestly. I don’t rush to fix or judge. Often, what lies beneath these mental habits is something more human: a longing for connection, a desire to feel alive, a sense of loss or perhaps even a fear of vulnerability or stillness.

I’m reminded of a story shared by therapist Mark Epstein in The Zen of Therapy, where a man reveals to the spiritual teacher Ram Dass his persistent habit of evaluating women. Ram Dass, after listening, simply responds: “See yourself as a soul.”

At first, this might seem like an unexpected response. But there’s a deep wisdom in it. Often, when we reduce others to objects or appearances, it’s because - at some level - we’ve done the same to ourselves. If we believe our own worth is based on how we perform, look, or appear to others, we may unconsciously treat others the same way. True change begins not with judging ourselves for these habits, but with recognising our deeper identity - our inherent worth beyond appearances.

Through therapy, clients often begin to reconnect with that deeper self. It might emerge in unexpected ways: through memories of standing in a forest or by the sea, feeling small and yet somehow held. Through moments of stillness, beauty, or intuition. A sense of something more, something soulful that can’t be ranked or rated.

Over time, many find that the old habits begin to soften. Not through shame or willpower, but because they no longer make sense in light of who the client is becoming. As a greater sense of wholeness develops, the need to reduce others diminishes. Relationships, both with the self and with others, start to feel more authentic and spacious.

In my work as an integrative counsellor in North Dorset, I welcome these kinds of explorations. Whether you're bringing a clear issue or just a quiet inner discomfort, therapy can become a place not just for resolving problems, but for discovering deeper meaning, values, and connection.

If you find yourself caught in patterns that no longer feel right—even if they seem harmless on the surface—therapy offers a grounded and compassionate space to gently untangle them and reconnect with who you really are.