How can Parents and their Adult Children Grow Together

Returning Home as a Young Adult: A Counsellor in North Dorset Reflects

In my last blog, I reflected on how unsettling it can feel for young adults to return home after a time of growth, when they’ve developed greater independence and a stronger sense of self. Coming back can sometimes feel suffocating or claustrophobic. It’s common to experience a tangle of emotions—safety and fear, comfort and frustration, sadness and joy. With more young adults spending extended periods in their family homes, how can parents and adult children find healthier ways of navigating this dynamic together?

As a Person centred integrative counsellor, I often support clients who are exploring this very tension between growth, independence, and family dynamics.

The Return of Old Patterns

When returning home, it’s natural for families to slip unconsciously into old patterns. Transactional Analysis (TA) offers a helpful way of understanding this. A central idea of TA is that we all shift between three different ego states in daily life: Parent, Adult, and Child.

The Parent Ego State reflects the voices, attitudes, and behaviours absorbed from caregivers. It can show up as the Controlling Parent (setting rules, offering criticism, or directing behaviour) or the Nurturing Parent (offering care, comfort, and protection).

The Adult Ego State is our here-and-now, rational self—able to process information clearly and respond thoughtfully to the present moment.

The Child Ego State carries early experiences, emotions, and ways of being from childhood. It can appear as the Adaptive Child (complying with or rebelling against expectations) or the Free Child (playful, creative, and spontaneous).

Why Adult-to-Adult Relating Matters

When a parent steps into a Parental Ego state, they often invite their adult child into a Child Ego state. Shall we go back to our old roles—you as Controlling Parent, me as Adaptive Child? This is understandable, even comforting. But real growth happens when both parent and adult child can meet each other from the Adult state.

This is a shared responsibility. It isn’t simply about the child needing to “grow up” or the parent needing to “let go.” When both adopt the Adult Ego state, communication becomes respectful, boundaries are clearer, and each person’s autonomy and sense of self are honoured.

This balance—between old patterns that feel familiar and new ways of relating that foster growth—is something I often explore in Counselling with Rich – East meets West, where the focus is on creating space for both connection and independence within family relationships.

The Joy of Letting Go: When Old Roles Can Be Restorative

Sometimes, slipping back into Parent–Child dynamics can feel nourishing. When a parent offers care—cooking a favourite meal, planning a special activity, or offering reassurance—it can be healing for the adult child to receive this from an Adaptive Child position.

This is not regression. It’s about allowing oneself to rest, be cared for, and feel safe. In these moments, home becomes a sanctuary from the pressures of modern life. The parent can express love in a way that is warmly received, and the child can reconnect with the comfort of being looked after.

Five Signs You Are in an Adult-to-Adult State

For growth, it’s important to engage in Adult-to-Adult ego state relating. This allows the young adult to hold onto their independence while still being connected, and it allows the parent to truly see their child as the adult they’ve become.

Five signs you may be relating Adult-to-Adult:

• Calm, thoughtful communication – Conversations happen without blame, sarcasm, or defensiveness.

• Mutual decision-making – Household routines, finances, or responsibilities are discussed collaboratively, not dictated.

• Clear emotional awareness – Feelings are expressed honestly and acknowledged.

• Healthy boundaries – Personal space and independence are respected.

• Problem-solving over power struggles – Conflicts are approached as shared challenges, not battles to win.

  
  

Understanding Emotionally Immature Parents

In her book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, psychologist Lindsay Gibson explores the challenges of growing up with emotionally immature parents. She recognises that parents generally do their best, shaped by their own histories and cultures. Yet some may struggle with empathy, self-awareness, or emotional regulation.

From a TA perspective, this means they find it difficult to relate to their children from an Adult state.

Five signs of an emotionally immature parent include:

• Struggles to take responsibility for their own emotions.

• Becomes easily defensive or critical when challenged.

• Speaks insensitively or hurtfully, with little remorse or empathy.

• Minimises or dismisses others’ feelings while expecting their child to meet their needs.

• Finds it difficult to see their child as a separate adult with autonomy.

  
  

Conclusion: Finding Balance at Home

It’s natural—and very common—for old patterns to resurface when adult children return home. In fact, familiar dynamics can be comforting and even enjoyable when approached with kindness.

But awareness is key. Asking, “What role am I in right now, and is this where I want to be?” can help. Growth comes when moments of Parent–Child relating are balanced with

connection.

When this balance is struck, coming home becomes more than just a return to the familiar. It can be a chance for the parent–child relationship to grow in new and healthier ways, allowing parents to release gently and adult children to stand fully in their independence, while still feeling the deep love that connects them.

As a counsellor in North Dorset, my work is about helping individuals and families explore these dynamics with compassion and curiosity. With the right awareness and support, returning home can be an opportunity for deeper healing and a renewed sense of connection.