5 Tips for Staying Assertive with Emotionally Immature Parents

When working as an integrative counsellor based in North Dorset, I have found that many young clients come to me feeling low and frustrated when they return home after a period away. Moving back home, or living nearby parents, can be very difficult for young adults who have developed their own sense of identity and autonomy.

They may have been away studying at University, travelling the world on a gap year, or living independently with a partner, only for that to fall through. The reasons for a sudden increase in parental involvement vary, but the feelings that arise when they return home can be deeply painful.

Parents can quickly fall back into old patterns — becoming overbearing or controlling. Without realising it, they might make judgemental comments, dismiss choices, ignore privacy, or slip into passive-aggression as they assume they still “know best” for their now-grown child. At the same time, young people — despite trying to respond as adults with a newfound sense of independence — can find themselves adapting to a parent’s needs or rebelling against them, just as they did in their infant, child and teenage years.

This dynamic can be even harder to navigate if the parent is emotionally immature and has unconsciously created a life script for their child that serves their own needs rather than supporting their child’s independence.

However, there is hope. In this blog from Counselling with Rich, I will outline five strategies to help you stay assertive, maintain your dignity, and hold onto your sense of self, even in the face of challenging family dynamics.

Why Do Old Family Patterns Resurface?

Parents were children once, too. The way they relate to others — including their own children — is often shaped by their upbringing. In some families, unhelpful beliefs are passed down through generations, such as “discussing feelings is embarrassing” or “children should be seen and not heard.”

Parents who are emotionally immature may struggle to see their children as separate individuals. Their child’s growth into adulthood becomes entwined with their own sense of self-worth. To maintain this, they may — often unintentionally — resort to criticism, control, or guilt.

Returning home, even as a guest, can trigger these old behaviours to resurface. Noticing these patterns, and stepping back to observe them as they arise, is the first step towards change.

5 Tips for Being Assertive

Tip 1: Recognise when you’re being pulled back into ‘child mode’

When you interact with your parents, imagine yourself stepping onto a mental observation platform. Just notice: does your parent adopt a controlling attitude? Do they tell you what to do, assuming you’ll comply?

How do you feel? Do you want to withdraw and sulk, argue and become angry, justify yourself defensively, or feel guilty and over-explain? Frustration, resentment, and even an undercurrent of sadness may arise.

Noticing all of this keeps you centred. Use a quick grounding technique — take a slow breath and remind yourself:

You are being invited to respond as a child — and you don’t have to.

Tip 2: Set clear boundaries and expect your parents to stick to them

If you want to be treated like an adult at home, you need to set and maintain boundaries. First, be clear with yourself: what matters to you?

Do you want privacy in your bedroom? Do you want to do your own laundry? Do you want them to knock before entering your space?

Express your needs calmly and clearly:

Acknowledge their perspective, too:

Repetition is key. Keep restating your needs, without being drawn into arguments, while showing respect for their feelings. Consistency teaches respect.

Tip 3: Use Adult-to-Adult Communication

To remain assertive, stay calm — even when anger stirs inside. Maintain an upright, relaxed posture and listen carefully. Reflect back what you hear:

Then state your boundary:

You may need to repeat this, sometimes several times. Don’t be drawn into over-justifying; simply return to your point, calmly and kindly, until you are heard.

Tip 4: Don’t Engage with Passive-Aggression or Comparison

To maintain control, some parents may use passive-aggression or comparisons to tempt you into a rebellious child role.

They might say:

Or,

Keep returning to your boundaries:

If they make manipulative comments like,

And refuse to be pulled into sibling comparisons:

Tip 5: Honour your own values and life direction

Remember: you have values, ambitions, and a sense of self that are yours alone. You don’t have to revert to the old parent-child dynamic.

Stay connected to friends, keep up with your hobbies, and stand firm in your career or life choices. Reflect on what matters to you. A gratitude journal or a simple list of core values can keep you grounded.

Final Thoughts

It’s not easy to step away from old patterns with parents. It can feel safer to slip back into the “child” role, especially when parents unconsciously adopt a controlling “parent” stance. But you are different now. You are an adult with your own values, identity, and life ahead.

Your parents may not change entirely. But if you focus on these five steps, you can shift how they relate to you. Over time, they may begin to see — and respect — the independent adult you have become.

Following these strategies allows you to stay assertive, preserve your dignity, and hold compassion for your parents — who, in their own way, are often just trying to love you the best way they know.

As an integrative counsellor in the Blandford Forum area, I’ve seen how transformative these approaches can be — helping young adults reclaim their autonomy while nurturing healthier family relationships. If you’d like to explore this further, visit Counselling with Rich, where I offer support as an integrative counsellor in North Dorset for anyone navigating challenging family dynamics.